HANDLING HAZARD
J.C.Cordova, D.Min., LCSW
Be angry but do not sin;
do not let the sun go down on your anger,
Ephesians 4:26.
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One of the most popular weekly comedy programs on American television in the early 1970s was the Bob
Newhart Show. Bob Played Chicago psychologist Dr. Robert Hartley and Suzanne Pleshette played Emily, a
schoolteacher. Bob and Emily formed a fairly new marriage couple active in extra professional commitments.
In an episode titled Don’t Go to Bed Mad, the couple had a major disagreement about what to do on Monday
nights, the only free time they could have together to do as they pleased. Bob wanted to watch Monday night
football every Monday with a friend. But Emily, who did not understand football, wanted to be with Bob doing
other things. Emily was furious with Bob, but Bob would not give in. They argued all night, but did not resolve
the conflict. Finally, both became exhausted and went to bed, the conflict unresolved.
Recently, the popular group the Silk, in an album of the same name, published a song they wrote titled Don’t
Go to Bed mad, where the lines Let the past be the past are repeated many times, as one offending partner
asks the other for forgiveness for wrongdoing done to that partner. The song ends with these sad cries. But
no forgiving words are heard from the offended partner.
The situations above exemplify the mood of marital concern through time. Fact is, most marriages sooner or
later have disagreement. Most are minor misunderstanding easily resolved through nice, civil discussion.
Others result from major events occurring in the lives of one or both of the conjugal partners requiring
professional intervention. Lots of marital counseling ends in referring couples to their lawyers for divorce
arrangements. Needless to say, present day divorce rate is rampant.
What causes disagreements in marriages that so frequently destroy the unions? The answer to this question
is buried in the developmental history of individuals. The natural predisposition of the individual influenced by
the human environment, where the person grows up, form personality. On the one hand, perception and
interpretation play a major role. Each person perceives and interprets reality uniquely. This fact allows all
personalities to be different. And as individuals perceive their treatment by others, they decide whether it is
good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable.
The perceived good the treatment by others go a long way to form a fine character. They grow up to be
excellent human beings and relate well in the human group. On the contrary, perceived bad treatment by
others has the opposite effect. As adults, most people overcome the bad effects of perceived abuse and
neglect of which they were victims during their early years of development.
There is another contributing factor. Human beings are temperamental to one degree or another whether
they grew up in a good or bad environment. We all have a good and a bad side, a shadow as Psychiatrist
Carl Jung called our bad side. Whenever a good person says or does something bad, we say: “George said
or did such and such out of character.” We mean that George is a good person, and whatever he said or did
was just a fluke that should be overlooked. And of course, in the human group, it is acceptable to ignore
flukes.
Well, in a marriage situation, the relationship is face-to-face, intimate; and a succession of flukes is not
acceptable. Little annoying things rapidly add up to cause conflict. Sometimes you hear that so and so got
divorced over squeezing a tube paste in a manner irritating to the partner. Fact is, the incident was the straw
breaking the camel’s back.
Moreover, not all flukes occurring in marriages are minor. Some include infidelity. For most marriages, this
action of a partner is intolerable. No defense the culprit may mount up is good enough to the other. Then,
parting company becomes their solution to the problem.
But there are preventing actions young families may implement to avoid conflict while strengthening their
relationships. In a previous articles, I talked about developing mutuality through dialogue. One important
aspect in dialogue is communication. What is it communication? How is it effectively developed?
Communication is the transference of information from a person to another orally, written, gesticulative or in
combination made a various levels. Good communication is basic in maintain good marriage relations. A
Chinese proverb states that couples loving each other dearly say to one another a thousand things without
words. The contrary is also through. Couples no longer loving each other express two thousand messages in
silence.
Communication includes four important parts: a messenger, a message, a conduit and a receiver. The
message is communication sent in orally, through words or in symbols. The messenger is the person or
institution sending the message. The conduit is the vehicle carrying the message. The receiver is the person
taking delivery of the message for personal use or for re-sending. All four parts must play a clear, precise
role in effective communication.
Communication is effective when the receiver understand the message exactly as it was sent. At a high
school, where I conducted a practical session on communications, I placed the participants in a semi-circle. I
took a student aside and read a message to him that I had previously written about an auto accident. I asked
the student to pass the message orally on to the person next to him. In turn, that person was to tell it to the
next, and so on. When the message got to the last student in the semi-circle, I asked the student to repeat it
allow to the others. She said: “The principle stinks.” And everyone laughed. Then I asked the original student
to read what I had written on the card to show the message distortion. Now, how is this for miscommunication?
Does this kind of thing happen in marriages? You bet.
The husband getting home from work mad because of a bad incidents on the job caused by his inability to
handle a situation well comes home and takes his frustration out on his wife. In an attempt to cool her
husband down, the wife talks to the husband in an affectionate manner with nice words. Yet, the civil tone of
the wife serves as reinforcement on his bad attitude and behavior.
So, how is good communication established?
Develop a strong self-concept. “Know yourself” reads the Greek aphorism. You are the creation of God
along with your partner and everyone else. Again, you are a unique individual and your partner is unique,
also. If marriage is the union of two strangers by virtue of their differences, as I explained in a previous article,
it is logical to surmise that these dissimilarities could cause trouble in the union. And conflict may take place
fanned by a poor self-concept expressed through feelings of superiority. Husbands put down their wives with
words, and many wives put down their husbands in the same manner. Couples with good self-images
understand that neither one is superior or inferior in relation to the other and worthy of respect.
Practice mutual spousal acceptance. Personal differences, physical proximity and time together often
blend to create conflict. Couples argue their points of view as if there were no other perspectives to consider.
Many arguments among married partners are of the half-full or half-empty kind. These arguments border on
the ridiculous, reflecting the superiority-inferiority syndrome. Nothing is gained through insignificant
arguments attempting to prove an irrelevant point.
When couples argue hard over different perspectives about their needs and desires or on life occurrences,
they become irate and irrational. Anger is a bad feeling making arguing people think that they are being
rational and correct in their premises when in fact they are not.
Get feedback. Many times, language falls short of communicating an exact thought because of failure to
express ideas correctly or because sentences may carry different meanings The rule in communication
should be: “When in doubt, check it out.” Make sure of understanding what the partner has said. Ask for
clarification of meaning. Miscommunication leads to conflict, but feedback is the solution to bad
communication.
Feed mutual love. Love is giving oneself to the other person in attitude and behavior. Attitude is thinking
and saying. Behavior is the actual doing. Saying: “I love you,” while behaving unkindly toward the counterpart
negates what is said. Love in Hebrew means "giving away." Here is how the apostle Paul defines love in terms
of behavior: “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous of boastful; it is not arrogant or rude; love does not
insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Love is the ingredient making
marriage grow strong and the tie that binds couples in mutuality.