Whenever two love birds sign the contract of matrimony, we say: “They were made for each other,”
or we say: “This is a marriage made in heaven, or: “These birds of a feather are now flocking
together,” or:”Finally, these two soul mates are bonded as one.”
But since the good Lord made us all different, marriage may be better defined as the gathering of
two strangers to live in intimacy, in a face-to-face relationship for good. When love birds first come
together, they begin to identify common things of mutual interest to converse. They even find
communality where there is none. These, of course, are polite actions prompted by mutual physical
attraction. In fact, they may not even be aware of their differences.
Many couples sign their marriage contracts while holding such relationships. Now the sudden
intimacy turns a previous nice interaction into a nasty one. Frequently, this undesirable condition is
resolved by parting company. Frankly, many marriages should have never taken place, because of
their obvious great differences. However, many other could be saved if only the couples in question
would be willing to work under the guidance of a professional marriage counselor to heal their
relationships to live together in peace and harmony.
The above discussion begs the question: “What can love birds do to determine if they should be
married? And what can young married couples do to stay together for life, as traditional marriage
vows demand? First, it is important to recognize that each love bird comes from a different nest. And
regardless of resemblance, all nests are different. Customs differ from family to family, each having
unique peculiarities and subtleties unintelligible to outsiders, which only emerge in a face-to-face,
intimate relationship. It is an exclusive way of life each party brings to the relationship requiring much
understanding. He must be sensitive to her character traist and she must be as sensitive to his.
Second, the above discussion indicates that it is crucial to define mutuality in marriage beyond
physical attraction and infatuation. Mutuality in couple’s relations is complete affinity. It includes the
physical, the intellectual, the emotional and the creedal. Both persons in the pre-marital or marital
relationship think feel and believe differently. And the first rule of engagement must be to respect,
understand and accept the other person’s perspective on life.
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THE PROCESS OF MUTUALITY
J.C.Cordova, D.Min., LCSW
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